Spice World

The pursuit of a perfect life...

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Weight and see

So where do I start? I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about what I'm going to eat and how much will I gain as a result. I pretty much started obsessing about my weight at an early age and I'm certain this obsession came about from a visit to one of my Momma's relatives. I was with my mother and sister visiting my Momma's Great Grandma M. Great Grandma was an interesting and eccentric woman, she both loved yet terrorized my Mother and her sister, Susie when they were growing up.But that's a story for another time.

Great Grandma M had a way about her that would both unnerve you yet you still found yourself looking forward to visiting. My most vivid memory of these visits were all the counters in her kitchen, counters that were forever covered in boxes and bags of snacks. Snacks that were inevitably stale or covered in a layer of dust as she never really ate anything with any particular thought of expiration date. We'd visit her every time we were in town and my sister & I enjoyed the musty smell of her old Victorian house with its numerous rooms and huge attic. I especially liked her kitchen with all the pots and pans hanging from the ceiling and the numerous bottles and tins of spices and herbs that seemed to be on every available ledge and cranny in her kitchen.   ...and of course the wealth of unopened snacks that seemed to be everywhere in her kitchen. We knew better to ask for a hostess cake or a stack of Pringles because it seemed she enjoyed making you feel both foolish and gluttonous for just asking. But heck, we were all of 10 & 11yrs old and my mom didn't buy snack foods like cupcakes or potato chips for us regularly. Momma felt that snacks were treats and should only be purchased if it was a special occasion.

The thing about visiting Great Grandma M were the visits had a predictable ritual...   guilt (for not visiting often enough), talking, more guilt, eating, more guilt and reminiscing, followed by one last dose of guilt. Of course at some point in the visit Great Grandma M would get around to accessing any physical changes that she deemed necessary to comment on when it came to us kids. Funny how she thought it was just being conversational while my sister and I felt like we were being picked apart like a bug...   On this particular visit after eyeballing us kids for several minutes, Great Grandma M proceeded to commented on how my sister had skinny legs like a chicken and knee caps like knuckles and that my  thighs were the size of ham-hocks. She continued this observation by letting my Momma know that no one would ever go hungry if I were around. Thinking about it now I wonder did she mean that who ever was with me wouldn't go hungry because I'd always know where the food was or if a life or death situation came up that the survivors could eat on my ample thighs until the rescue team came?! It was a pretty perplexing comment and stuck with me to this day. I think I was way more aware of my appearance from that day forward.

So not a day goes by that I don't worry about how much weight I'm gonna gain by eating that 2nd helping of pasta or that extra slice of bread. And I look at other women, those who seem to graze continually and never worry about their weight and enjoy food & life without all the fuss. I ask myself daily when can I get to that point where I can just enjoy food & life and not get wrapped up in all the other things...

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