Weight and see

So where do I start? I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about what I'm going to eat and how much will I gain as a result. I pretty much started obsessing about my weight at an early age and I'm certain this obsession came about from a visit to one of my Momma's relatives. I was with my mother and sister visiting my Momma's Great Grandma M. Great Grandma was an interesting and eccentric woman, she both loved yet terrorized my Mother and her sister, Susie when they were growing up.But that's a story for another time.

Great Grandma M had a way about her that would both unnerve you yet you still found yourself looking forward to visiting. My most vivid memory of these visits were all the counters in her kitchen, counters that were forever covered in boxes and bags of snacks. Snacks that were inevitably stale or covered in a layer of dust as she never really ate anything with any particular thought of expiration date. We'd visit her every time we were in town and my sister & I enjoyed the musty smell of her old Victorian house with its numerous rooms and huge attic. I especially liked her kitchen with all the pots and pans hanging from the ceiling and the numerous bottles and tins of spices and herbs that seemed to be on every available ledge and cranny in her kitchen.   ...and of course the wealth of unopened snacks that seemed to be everywhere in her kitchen. We knew better to ask for a hostess cake or a stack of Pringles because it seemed she enjoyed making you feel both foolish and gluttonous for just asking. But heck, we were all of 10 & 11yrs old and my mom didn't buy snack foods like cupcakes or potato chips for us regularly. Momma felt that snacks were treats and should only be purchased if it was a special occasion.

The thing about visiting Great Grandma M were the visits had a predictable ritual...   guilt (for not visiting often enough), talking, more guilt, eating, more guilt and reminiscing, followed by one last dose of guilt. Of course at some point in the visit Great Grandma M would get around to accessing any physical changes that she deemed necessary to comment on when it came to us kids. Funny how she thought it was just being conversational while my sister and I felt like we were being picked apart like a bug...   On this particular visit after eyeballing us kids for several minutes, Great Grandma M proceeded to commented on how my sister had skinny legs like a chicken and knee caps like knuckles and that my  thighs were the size of ham-hocks. She continued this observation by letting my Momma know that no one would ever go hungry if I were around. Thinking about it now I wonder did she mean that who ever was with me wouldn't go hungry because I'd always know where the food was or if a life or death situation came up that the survivors could eat on my ample thighs until the rescue team came?! It was a pretty perplexing comment and stuck with me to this day. I think I was way more aware of my appearance from that day forward.

So not a day goes by that I don't worry about how much weight I'm gonna gain by eating that 2nd helping of pasta or that extra slice of bread. And I look at other women, those who seem to graze continually and never worry about their weight and enjoy food & life without all the fuss. I ask myself daily when can I get to that point where I can just enjoy food & life and not get wrapped up in all the other things...

Trees and other poses

Feelings are good today. Woke up around 6ish and for a split second thought about rolling over for one more hour of sleep but two things weren't letting me, the strong urge to pee and the fact it was a weight-lifting/cardio do for me. Given last night's food sins the gym won out. The gym is actually a decent place to go every day, once I get over the initial dread and sweat.. It's taken me a while to realize, but gym time is me-time. I don't have to worry about feeding anyone, getting one ready or making anyone happy it's just about me. Initially my goal was about making over my outside but in the last month I've been doing a lot more work on my inside. During cardio I spend less time thinking about time and reps and more about life, love, food, health and my monkeys. Last night I went to my first yoga class. Wasn't sure what to expect but I read that many thin, toned women attribute their overall tight bodies to yoga so I thought I'd see what it was all about. Boy am I glad I did! I was seriously won over by the discipline it takes and the stretching and the deep breathing and relaxing one's mind. I thought from all the pictures I've seen and articles I'd read it was just about posing, but it's so much more... it's about clearing your mind and loving yourself. I have to say I LOVE IT and can't wait to go back next week for more! I probably won't get a killer body like Gwyneth or J.Aniston but I hope to see a change in my strength and tone.

Off to a lunch of salad, grilled chicken and strawberries...

a late lunch

Having a salad, grilled chicken and some water. Not much going on food-wise over at the food court, so resorting to my secret stash. Missing some fruit to round off the meal, but hopefully can poach an apple or some clementines from my office mate who does WW.     ...Already thinking about what to have for supper.

Promise of a new day...

So I've recently gotten into this new mindset that I need to start taking better care of myself, i.e. eat better, work-out, sleep 8hrs and appreciate my blessings instead of worry about things I can't change. As with everyone it started out as a New Year's resolution to make a self improvement list and topping that list was taking off the 15lbs I've been carrying around since 2002.

Unfortunately it took me until February to actually do something on this list, so I signed myself up for a gym membership. Now I know what you are thinking... sign up for a membership, buy some cute work-out clothes and new tennies, go for a couple days and then quit. Well believe it or not I'm coming up on 4 months and I going strong. I'm feeling all the cliche' things.... stronger, more positive, fit and happier. So far I've only lost 5lbs but I have such a natural high working out and trying to get myself back into fighting shape.

So with the working out comes some other things on my list that I want to work on as well. I am making a promise to myself that while I'm working on the outside I'll work on making some changes on the inside.

So here's the first day of a new day.